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Q. I am working very hard at maintaining my day-to-day work responsibilities but find I’m also being asked to participate in other activities that are important but not related to my job. I’m heading up a committee on a workplace environmental initiative that I enjoy. And recently I was asked to participate in another volunteer work committee which I’m not overly excited about, but I’m hesitant to disappoint the person who invited me. If I say yes to everything, I’ll be in major overload and something is going to give. What should I do?
A. There must be something special about you if people keep inviting you to be part of their committees. That’s worth acknowledging. However, I am also wondering if you might be addicted to what I call “The Yes Habit”.
“Addicted to Yes” is a phrase I refer to when someone tends to automatically say yes when there is a choice, and even a good reason, to say no. Work-life is busy and there is likely no shortage of requests to take on extra projects, join a volunteer committee, or organize the next meeting. Saying yes to everything is unreasonable.
Yet all too often we respond reflexively, and almost unconsciously, from habit. Our inner voices tell us to do it, and if we don’t there will be repercussions. We conjure up images of disapproval and disappointment and we don’t want to rock the boat, so we agree to keep the peace. These inner voices, when unchecked, can drive our choices and actions and may not always serve our best interests. When we are over-extended for too long, we risk not being our best when we truly need to be.
Obviously there are situations that delight and deserve a resounding yes. And there are also times when we are obliged to say yes to step up to our responsibilities. The distinction to consider is when you automatically say yes when you have a choice, a desire, and a right to say no.
Here are a few tips to help you break the yes habit:
- In the next week, be aware of the times you say yes to requests/invitations.
- How many of those yes responses were automatic/out of habit in order to please or look good?
- Outside of reasonable responsibilities and obligations, how many of the invitations would you have preferred to decline?
- Reflect on what beliefs you were holding about accepting the invitation and/or the perceived repercussions of declining. See if you can challenge those limiting beliefs by asking, for instance, what evidence exists to support this belief.
- Remind yourself of your highest priorities for both work and life. And then use this as a checklist to determine whether the requests, outside of reasonable obligations, align with your stated priorities.
- Next time you are about to say yes, press the pause button, and take time to reflect before committing yourself.
- You may also consider creating a list of criteria to evaluate such requests; i.e., how much time will it take and what priorities does it serve? This will provide a framework that is personally relevant to help you decide.
- Try saying no at least once this week when you might have instinctively said yes. What did it feel like?
- When you need to say no, acknowledge the request but decline sensitively and empathetically. For instance, “I appreciate being asked and understand this is important, but given all my other responsibilities, I unfortunately don’t have the time.”
Breaking habits takes conscious intention and practice. By learning to say no when it really matters, you will by default be saying yes to honouring what’s most important.
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Eileen Chadnick, ACC, ACPC, ABC, is an ICF Certified coach and an accredited business communicator. Principal of Big Cheese Coaching, she coaches leaders on success and fulfillment at work and in life. Eileen also brings more than 19 years of communications consulting experience with significant experience within the financial services sector and other industries. She is a recipient of the 2007 ICF Prism Award for excellence in leadership and performance coaching. Find her at her blog: www.TGIMworklife.com or see www.BigCheese-Coaching.com. You can also contact Eileen at 416-631-7437 or Eileen@BigCheese-Coaching.com
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